Pain in the World

So much pain in the world.

Is this normal after an abusive relationship, what do i do about it?
I was in a abusive realtionship for a year, i finally got out. Im now with this guy an weve been dateing for three months. I really like him, but eversince the relationship before i havent been myself. Im sad more then i am happy, i have mood swings on the guy. I dont mean to, theres just so many emotions im feeling at once an thoughts an i just go crazy. &he feels bad when im depressed cause he thinks that he has done something wrong an he hasnt, i dont even know whats wrong with me. An sometimes i miss my ex, and i wanna talk to him which makes me feel horrible cause i shouldnt want to for the way he has done me. Im just an emotional wreck and idk what to do anymore. &dont say counseling cause i cant do that.

-U

Im in a abusive relationship (guys only answere please)!!! ERGANT?
my boyfriend of 2 years has been putting his hands on me (only when drunk) since 6 months of our realtionship. i have gotten the cops involved and he’s seeked therapy but 2 days ago he attacked me brutally i have a balled spot and he hooked the right side of my mouth inside is all purple but you cant notice anything outside around the mouth is not swelled i do not want to get cops involved because it just makes me want to go back to him and give him “more chnaces” court is also very stressful i’ve already done it i wouldnt be writing this question if it helped in any way..
but why do i still love him ? when i try to leave he starts to cry histericly, he wrote me a 5 page letter of feelings i didnt think he had and if i still l,eave he thretens to overdose on a certain drug!
i feel so weak i just dont understand why he does this to me i always told myself i deserve the best.. he is now SERIOUS about getting anger managment and changing but who knows..
also when he had last attacked me he was SOBER and his parents were home defending him they dont see what hes doing is wrong its like so much caos(they also baby him like he is still a teenager)
i need help getting over this and over him i feel angry and sad put down all at the same time!
its like every guy i get serious with has a mean streak
ps: i may possibly be pregnant with his child i am crossing my fingers that i am not but i do not know what to do please help (against abortion)

if you are a guy who has ever been abusive , what is the real reason for this please help!

-S

U and S are separate individual females, unrelated.

Dear Cary,

I was on the receiving end of a physically, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for almost 10 years. It wasn’t easy, but I got out and I’m happy. After giving myself some time to recover emotionally and get my head straight, I started going out on dates here and there — fancy dinners with nice guys, but nothing too deep. I finally met someone whom I wanted to go out with more than once, and we started dating exclusively about a month ago.

I have decided that I will never tell my new beau about the physical abuse I suffered in the past. It is too shameful, plus I’m sure it wouldn’t accomplish anything productive. I disclosed the tip of the iceberg about the verbal and emotional abuse, just to explain why I avoid confrontation. My boyfriend was upset, naturally, and said that if he ever met my ex he would tell him off. I replied that I would do everything in my power to make sure that they never met, because my ex is a big, crazy dude. My boyfriend asked if my ex could “take him” and I answered honestly that yes, he could. Plus, he has guns.

OK, so can of worms here. My boyfriend now is constantly nervous that he’s going to walk out of my house on some random morning and come face-to-face with my crazy ex and a shotgun. There’s more — my boyfriend confided in his mother (I haven’t met her yet) about all of this, who now thinks that I’m “bad news” and no doubt has shared her feelings with others in their family. I’m sure she is telling him that I am not worth the trouble.

In my heart, I agree that I am not worth the trouble. I really don’t think that my ex has the motivation to track me down now (he’s very mean, but also very lazy), so I don’t believe there’s any real danger. Still, I don’t want to have someone feel uncomfortable just because I have this stupid baggage. I feel like damaged goods. Can this be repaired? What can I do? I guess I should have kept my mouth shut.

Damaged Goods

I regret that I cannot simply eliminate the source of their problems. It would be mighty satisfying. But that’s not how the real world works. At best, I can only offer them advice, avenues they can pursue to gain the resources they need to solve their issues.

But I just need to say something.

It is too shameful, plus I’m sure it wouldn’t accomplish anything productive.”

Actually, it would accomplish something productive. Specifically, if a man is strong enough to hear this and deal with it calmy and logically, then you will have strengthened your relationship as the strength of one partner now transfers to the other. Of course, if the other person isn’t strong enough to handle things like that, but you are, then not telling them means you aren’t confident in their strength or the strength of this relationship. Over a long period of time, it can creak cracks in the relationship. Doubt. Resentment at having to keep secrets. Alienation. Distrust. Suspicion. Negative emotions such as that, rarely makes a bad situation better.

I replied that I would do everything in my power to make sure that they never met, because my ex is a big, crazy dude.

That’s pretty shameful. A woman that’s been beaten before, protecting her jittery boyfriend from the one that beat her. I mean, is this the New Standard of Manhood these days? Can’t say I’m impressed. Weak.

There’s more — my boyfriend confided in his mother

Sighs. What is this. The daily show with Mama’s Boy. How many women are you going to have to be a bother to, so called “Boyfriend”, before you get a pair?

I feel like damaged goods.

Such damage is easily repaired given enough time and work. You’ll be as good as new. Better even. Stronger in the bargain. But not every person on Earth can handle such problems. Or help other people handle it. You just kind of met the wrong man, to be honest. In both cases, past and present.

P.S.

Any so called “male” that is so weak he likes taking advantage of such women’s weaknesses, would be wise not to get within reach of me. I do not guarantee their safety at that point.

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